Here are some of the replies I received from women on both sides of the pond. Some are regular women and a few are “Experts”. Do you agree with them or have something to add? Please get in touch and keep the conversation flowing.
Rochelle
Hello!
Good, bad, or indifferent, here is a list of what I WANT, or I should say NEED, in a relationship as a 53-year old, divorced, single female:
Honest and trustworthy
Faithful
Genuine
Nurturing (physically, emotionally, and spiritually)
Supportive (emotionally)
Truly engaged in activities – not a passive bystander
Sense of humor
Makes me feel like he’s proud to be with me
Values my opinions and ideas
Non-controlling or manipulative
Has some giddy up and go sexually.
Mary CT
For me, communication. Once I began meeting guys who would really communicate, my whole idea of relationships changed. When I was younger, I wanted the “strong, silent type”. Once I learned who I was and was open and available to new relating, I wanted communication.
Without communication, one can’t change what the other doesn’t like OR, at least have the choice to do so. This “if you loved me you’d know what I want” is crap. Love doesn’t make one a mind-reader. Asking for what one wants, telling what one wants makes life so much easier.
~ Revy Manchester
What women want can be summed up in 3 words:
Honest, Genuine Man!
They want a man who is genuinely interested in them. Someone who makes them “feel”special which is why often it is the smallest thoughts and gifts that make such a big difference, rather than the money. Don’t forget most of these women are very successful in their own right and are financially independent.
Unfortunately for some women, Chick Flicks have got in the way and have distorted what they think they want. Some women tell us that they’re look for the perfect man who is going to appear on his stallion, tick all the boxes (and there is often a long list!) and whisk them into the happily ever after. What they find in reality is that even when you do find a “perfect” man, both he and you aren’t perfect all the time and it’s about give and take – working as a team. This is not what they were expecting and they often change the type of guy they’re looking for by the end of their journey.
Jeannette, Ireland
I am a divorced 37-year-old woman with 3 small children. Simply put, as my girlfriends and I discuss men and relationships at this point in our lives it seems to me that what we all desire is a man who is willing to allow us our Independence without being threatened by it. The fact is, after a divorce, especially involving young children, a woman learns she must depend upon herself. We want our men to be happy that we have conquered home repairs and we have finally figured out how to negotiate a contract effectively and we are in command of our finances. This is not an effort to replace the men in our lives. It seems that is sometimes how it is taken. Many of us spent years supporting a man and his career; Tending to the home and letting our professional skills, licenses and contacts fall by the way side. When the divorce comes the man keeps his extra degrees, huge contact list, honed skills and big paycheck, while the woman walks at way with children, expenses and no career- plus the huge knowledge gap that contains all the traditional “man things” that we left up to our husbands- from mowing to 401K When reentering the dating world, we love that men naturally want to “take care of us”, but we are wise to the reality that helping him build his business, taking care the home and filling that traditional role puts us in a potentially bad position. It isn’t that we are “liberated, independent, career women who see no value in a traditional family life”. It is that it is very hard to start a career over after 35 and if you put yourself in a situation where you are out of the work force, or working for his business, you run the risk of having to start over. We need the men that we date to understand while many of us like a traditional dynamic, while we’d love to embrace spending our time supporting his endeavors and being a “helpmate”- it puts us in a vulnerable position that is very uncomfortable and we feel the need that in order to survive we need to be knowledgeable women who are self sufficient and they shouldn’t be threatened by that need. Here’s to good women- May we know them, May we be them, May we raise them!
C, Tulsa
What Women Want?
1. They want a someone who will listen!
2. They want respect
3. They want boundaries respected
4. They want to feel safe
5. Great sex
6. To feel loved
7. To know she has a partner she can depend on
Women don’t want men to just listen to their problems. They need someone who listens to what kind of support they need and what they need in the bedroom. I find that a lot of men will ask a woman about what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom and when a woman states what she doesn’t like the man tries to convince her why he is different then other men, why he is better than other men and proceed to tell her why it will feel good with him. Have you heard the saying all talk no action. It happens a lot! They say one thing, but when it comes down to it, it wasn’t good and she wishes she would have said no. Hence they are not listening to her or respecting boundaries. The outcome is now the woman doesn’t feel safe or feel like she is respected. This shuts down communication and essentially shuts down the relationship. If a man wants a woman to be open to new things, concepts and experience, he has to build truth through listening, respect and after a period of time approach the situation with a loving attitude. Explaining why he’d like to experience this with her. This works with any concept even beyond the bedroom.
The great sex comes from having the first four things in order. If you listen to her she will communicate what she needs in the bedroom and in turn you’ll give her great experiences. This leads to her feeling loved.
The last one is trickier. How does a woman know she can depend on you? It comes in a variety of forms. If you’ve been working late and going out with the boys every night after work and eventually she ask you for one night home alone and you turn her down. She can’t depend on you. If she has an emotional crisis and you leave or during an argument you abandon her and the situation, this drives home the fact that you cant be trusted and are not dependable. She’ll know and understand that if you have kids, you probably won’t be looking after them because you shy from responsibility. It could lead her to believe you would abandon the family once you got tired. The woman now fits your pattern of not being there in every area and aspect of your lives and rightly so. They’re always warning signs to a bad relationship and if you are lacking in one area of he seven something isn’t right.
This is what women want. It’s not much different than what men want except a woman extends this thinking into the future in terms of family life and building a family. Having the children will she do it alone etc…Men need the same things. They just need it expressed a little differently. If men could put themselves in the woman’s shoe they wouldn’t think women were so confusing and difficult. If you have this basic foundation you can build from here on up.
BB New York
Here’s what I want: someone who is honest and not a “game player” – or a player. Someone who is as interested in me and in himself. Someone who has friends and understands the importance of my friends – who doesn’t expect me to give up my friends because we are in a relationship. Someone who has enough interests that I’m not expected to be the sole source of entertainment and affirmation. Someone who is (at least) self-supporting, and can be self-sufficient. Someone who is bright, funny and has a work ethic. Someone who cleans up after himself – and knows how the washer and dryer work and uses them. Someone who enjoys a good cuddle and knows the difference between making love and having sex. Looks? They come BEHIND all this. Good looks would just be a bonus. Oh yes, and in my life, someone who enjoys hockey would be a plus too.
Angela, Colorado
A man strong enough to allow and able to relish their 50+ partners new found confidence and independence
* A man who can go with the flow of life which may turn that 50+ partner in a multitude of directions from new careers to philanthropic adventures to the arts or the grandchildren
* A man confident enough in his own sexuality to know that a 50+ woman has turned d her sex drive 180degrees inside her body and engaged her soul in finally owning her sexuality. It is a powerful experience to be with a woman who knows this and what she offers is not for the weak of heart…take that Viagra!
* A man independent enough to give his 50+ partner the quiet reflective space she will increasingly yearn to explore the mysteries of life and to move slowly and profoundly with her sophisticated wonder
* A man intelligent enough to know that this 50+ woman will cherish the friends she has now because these are the women she has chosen to share her life with, still, and her connection with them is deep and solid. She will not care if her partner likes them or not and she will stay loyal to their friendship
* A man who can enjoy the 50+ woman’s sense of style which has become a personal brand and will not change because of external comment even if she “looks fat in this dress”
Dianna, London
•
1. Confidence is the most attractive attribute a man can have. Any man can have any women, but they must first believe that they can. Women love confident but not cocky, never cocky-always confident.
•
2. Women look for that secret confidence that says “I can make any woman happy.” It shows in your mannerisms.
• 3. Being confident and completely comfortable when talking to women draws them in. How to do this? See every woman as taken or not threatening.
• 4. Women want a man that can have fun with conversation. Someone who pays attention and asks questions about them as well as remembering what they were told.
• 5. Women want eye contact; they want to feel listened to, so nod as they talk.
• 6. Women love, in the words of Tim McGraw, “A bad boy that is a real good man,” having that edge of being “bad” while at the same time having good character.
• 7. Women like seeing some rough edges, while also being pulled together. That is “the” balance. It drives the ladies wild.
• 8. They like the man to stay in control of the interactions. Ask the ladies opinion; if she has no preference, then you need to make the decision!
• 9. They want you to keep some things mysterious. Men should deflect talk about them and redirect to talking about the woman. Keep them wanting more of you and they’ll be back for more, but always keep you word and call back when you say will.
• 10. Smelling good, makes women weak in the knees. ALWAYS take time to smell good.
• 11. They love a sly smile. A slightly tilted head and little smirk while listening, gives a playful quality that is inviting.
• 12. Women sometimes enjoy innocent touch, shoulder, knee, and back of the hand-etc. brief & not threatening. Especially if the situation is appropriate and man is attractive and non-threatening himself.
• 13. Women look for that confident walk. When the man walks in like a rock star, he will be noticed. If he just pretends he is famous and adored and walks in the room as that man, women will be drawn in. He can pretend until he starts to believe it.
• 14. Most women enjoy good old fashioned manners. Open doors, pull out chairs and guide the woman, by lightly touching the small of her back. (Think southern gentleman)
• 15. Women swoon over thoughtful, kind gestures. Short handwritten notes, a few flowers wrapped in a bouquet or a small gift for no reason can do wonders for keeping you on the radar!
• 16. Women love independence, it is sexy. Having an active full life without needing a girlfriend in your life makes you irresistible. Never appear needy or clingy.
• 17. Women want a man who spends time developing himself, things like: workout, practice hobbies, read & volunteer your time. Spending time working on your body, your hobbies or worthy projects will make you more interesting.
• 18. Women what a man that looks like he could protect her. When you take care of your body, women will want to touch it. Think defined chest, big arms, small waist and chiseled abs. Even you will want to touch.
• 19. Women want handsome, but not fussy. Good grooming is pivotal, but the man should not spend more time on their look than most women. Keep your rugged male appearance without being smelly or unkempt.
• 20. Being able to sing, dance, play music, or write poetry drives women crazy. Working on one or all will pay off big!
Julie T New York
What Do Women Want?
I put out a query What Do Women Want?
Here are some of the replies I received from women on both sides of the pond. Some are regular women and a few are “Experts”. Do you agree with them or have something to add? Please get in touch and keep the conversation flowing.
Rochelle
Hello!
Good, bad, or indifferent, here is a list of what I WANT, or I should say NEED, in a relationship as a 53-year old, divorced, single female:
Honest and trustworthy
Faithful
Genuine
Nurturing (physically, emotionally, and spiritually)
Supportive (emotionally)
Truly engaged in activities – not a passive bystander
Sense of humor
Makes me feel like he’s proud to be with me
Values my opinions and ideas
Non-controlling or manipulative
Has some giddy up and go sexually.
Mary CT
For me, communication. Once I began meeting guys who would really communicate, my whole idea of relationships changed. When I was younger, I wanted the “strong, silent type”. Once I learned who I was and was open and available to new relating, I wanted communication.
Without communication, one can’t change what the other doesn’t like OR, at least have the choice to do so. This “if you loved me you’d know what I want” is crap. Love doesn’t make one a mind-reader. Asking for what one wants, telling what one wants makes life so much easier.
~ Revy Manchester
What women want can be summed up in 3 words:
Honest, Genuine Man!
They want a man who is genuinely interested in them. Someone who makes them “feel”special which is why often it is the smallest thoughts and gifts that make such a big difference, rather than the money. Don’t forget most of these women are very successful in their own right and are financially independent.
Unfortunately for some women, Chick Flicks have got in the way and have distorted what they think they want. Some women tell us that they’re look for the perfect man who is going to appear on his stallion, tick all the boxes (and there is often a long list!) and whisk them into the happily ever after. What they find in reality is that even when you do find a “perfect” man, both he and you aren’t perfect all the time and it’s about give and take – working as a team. This is not what they were expecting and they often change the type of guy they’re looking for by the end of their journey.
Jeannette, Ireland
I am a divorced 37-year-old woman with 3 small children. Simply put, as my girlfriends and I discuss men and relationships at this point in our lives it seems to me that what we all desire is a man who is willing to allow us our Independence without being threatened by it. The fact is, after a divorce, especially involving young children, a woman learns she must depend upon herself. We want our men to be happy that we have conquered home repairs and we have finally figured out how to negotiate a contract effectively and we are in command of our finances. This is not an effort to replace the men in our lives. It seems that is sometimes how it is taken. Many of us spent years supporting a man and his career; Tending to the home and letting our professional skills, licenses and contacts fall by the way side. When the divorce comes the man keeps his extra degrees, huge contact list, honed skills and big paycheck, while the woman walks at way with children, expenses and no career- plus the huge knowledge gap that contains all the traditional “man things” that we left up to our husbands- from mowing to 401K When reentering the dating world, we love that men naturally want to “take care of us”, but we are wise to the reality that helping him build his business, taking care the home and filling that traditional role puts us in a potentially bad position. It isn’t that we are “liberated, independent, career women who see no value in a traditional family life”. It is that it is very hard to start a career over after 35 and if you put yourself in a situation where you are out of the work force, or working for his business, you run the risk of having to start over. We need the men that we date to understand while many of us like a traditional dynamic, while we’d love to embrace spending our time supporting his endeavors and being a “helpmate”- it puts us in a vulnerable position that is very uncomfortable and we feel the need that in order to survive we need to be knowledgeable women who are self sufficient and they shouldn’t be threatened by that need. Here’s to good women- May we know them, May we be them, May we raise them!
C, Tulsa
What Women Want?
1. They want a someone who will listen!
2. They want respect
3. They want boundaries respected
4. They want to feel safe
5. Great sex
6. To feel loved
7. To know she has a partner she can depend on
Women don’t want men to just listen to their problems. They need someone who listens to what kind of support they need and what they need in the bedroom. I find that a lot of men will ask a woman about what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom and when a woman states what she doesn’t like the man tries to convince her why he is different then other men, why he is better than other men and proceed to tell her why it will feel good with him. Have you heard the saying all talk no action. It happens a lot! They say one thing, but when it comes down to it, it wasn’t good and she wishes she would have said no. Hence they are not listening to her or respecting boundaries. The outcome is now the woman doesn’t feel safe or feel like she is respected. This shuts down communication and essentially shuts down the relationship. If a man wants a woman to be open to new things, concepts and experience, he has to build truth through listening, respect and after a period of time approach the situation with a loving attitude. Explaining why he’d like to experience this with her. This works with any concept even beyond the bedroom.
The great sex comes from having the first four things in order. If you listen to her she will communicate what she needs in the bedroom and in turn you’ll give her great experiences. This leads to her feeling loved.
The last one is trickier. How does a woman know she can depend on you? It comes in a variety of forms. If you’ve been working late and going out with the boys every night after work and eventually she ask you for one night home alone and you turn her down. She can’t depend on you. If she has an emotional crisis and you leave or during an argument you abandon her and the situation, this drives home the fact that you cant be trusted and are not dependable. She’ll know and understand that if you have kids, you probably won’t be looking after them because you shy from responsibility. It could lead her to believe you would abandon the family once you got tired. The woman now fits your pattern of not being there in every area and aspect of your lives and rightly so. They’re always warning signs to a bad relationship and if you are lacking in one area of he seven something isn’t right.
This is what women want. It’s not much different than what men want except a woman extends this thinking into the future in terms of family life and building a family. Having the children will she do it alone etc…Men need the same things. They just need it expressed a little differently. If men could put themselves in the woman’s shoe they wouldn’t think women were so confusing and difficult. If you have this basic foundation you can build from here on up.
BB New York
Here’s what I want: someone who is honest and not a “game player” – or a player. Someone who is as interested in me and in himself. Someone who has friends and understands the importance of my friends – who doesn’t expect me to give up my friends because we are in a relationship. Someone who has enough interests that I’m not expected to be the sole source of entertainment and affirmation. Someone who is (at least) self-supporting, and can be self-sufficient. Someone who is bright, funny and has a work ethic. Someone who cleans up after himself – and knows how the washer and dryer work and uses them. Someone who enjoys a good cuddle and knows the difference between making love and having sex. Looks? They come BEHIND all this. Good looks would just be a bonus. Oh yes, and in my life, someone who enjoys hockey would be a plus too.
Angela, Colorado
A man strong enough to allow and able to relish their 50+ partners new found confidence and independence
* A man who can go with the flow of life which may turn that 50+ partner in a multitude of directions from new careers to philanthropic adventures to the arts or the grandchildren
* A man confident enough in his own sexuality to know that a 50+ woman has turned d her sex drive 180degrees inside her body and engaged her soul in finally owning her sexuality. It is a powerful experience to be with a woman who knows this and what she offers is not for the weak of heart…take that Viagra!
* A man independent enough to give his 50+ partner the quiet reflective space she will increasingly yearn to explore the mysteries of life and to move slowly and profoundly with her sophisticated wonder
* A man intelligent enough to know that this 50+ woman will cherish the friends she has now because these are the women she has chosen to share her life with, still, and her connection with them is deep and solid. She will not care if her partner likes them or not and she will stay loyal to their friendship
* A man who can enjoy the 50+ woman’s sense of style which has become a personal brand and will not change because of external comment even if she “looks fat in this dress”
Dianna, London
•
1. Confidence is the most attractive attribute a man can have. Any man can have any women, but they must first believe that they can. Women love confident but not cocky, never cocky-always confident.
•
2. Women look for that secret confidence that says “I can make any woman happy.” It shows in your mannerisms.
• 3. Being confident and completely comfortable when talking to women draws them in. How to do this? See every woman as taken or not threatening.
• 4. Women want a man that can have fun with conversation. Someone who pays attention and asks questions about them as well as remembering what they were told.
• 5. Women want eye contact; they want to feel listened to, so nod as they talk.
• 6. Women love, in the words of Tim McGraw, “A bad boy that is a real good man,” having that edge of being “bad” while at the same time having good character.
• 7. Women like seeing some rough edges, while also being pulled together. That is “the” balance. It drives the ladies wild.
• 8. They like the man to stay in control of the interactions. Ask the ladies opinion; if she has no preference, then you need to make the decision!
• 9. They want you to keep some things mysterious. Men should deflect talk about them and redirect to talking about the woman. Keep them wanting more of you and they’ll be back for more, but always keep you word and call back when you say will.
• 10. Smelling good, makes women weak in the knees. ALWAYS take time to smell good.
• 11. They love a sly smile. A slightly tilted head and little smirk while listening, gives a playful quality that is inviting.
• 12. Women sometimes enjoy innocent touch, shoulder, knee, and back of the hand-etc. brief & not threatening. Especially if the situation is appropriate and man is attractive and non-threatening himself.
• 13. Women look for that confident walk. When the man walks in like a rock star, he will be noticed. If he just pretends he is famous and adored and walks in the room as that man, women will be drawn in. He can pretend until he starts to believe it.
• 14. Most women enjoy good old fashioned manners. Open doors, pull out chairs and guide the woman, by lightly touching the small of her back. (Think southern gentleman)
• 15. Women swoon over thoughtful, kind gestures. Short handwritten notes, a few flowers wrapped in a bouquet or a small gift for no reason can do wonders for keeping you on the radar!
• 16. Women love independence, it is sexy. Having an active full life without needing a girlfriend in your life makes you irresistible. Never appear needy or clingy.
• 17. Women want a man who spends time developing himself, things like: workout, practice hobbies, read & volunteer your time. Spending time working on your body, your hobbies or worthy projects will make you more interesting.
• 18. Women what a man that looks like he could protect her. When you take care of your body, women will want to touch it. Think defined chest, big arms, small waist and chiseled abs. Even you will want to touch.
• 19. Women want handsome, but not fussy. Good grooming is pivotal, but the man should not spend more time on their look than most women. Keep your rugged male appearance without being smelly or unkempt.
• 20. Being able to sing, dance, play music, or write poetry drives women crazy. Working on one or all will pay off big!
Julie T New York
http://www.iloveyouraccent.com